Rangers-haters are everywhere at the moment. Taking advantage of the opportunity to kick the club while they are down, Rangers-haters can be found in every bar, in every home, in every workplace, and on every street corner in the land.
So prevalent are Rangers-haters these days that YOU could be a Rangers-hater and not even know it. Fear not though for help is at hand. This quick and easy test, developed with the help of some of the top psychologists working in the US today, will enable you to identify if you need specialist support to get over your Rangers-hating psychosis.
Firstly, answer the questions below, and BE HONEST with yourself - it's the first step to overcoming the problem!
1) You are at a party at your sister and Taig brother-in-law's house, when one of his Timmy guests says that Rangers is a new club. Do you:
a) Quietly acknowledge that yes, Rangers is indeed a new club
b) Pretend you hear someone in the kitchen calling your name and hurry away from the deranged, bitter, hate-filled bigot
c) Drag your wife out, telling her you're not staying in this bigoted hell-hole, then put the guy's name, address and personal details on FollowFollow and call on your fellow Bears to send hate mail and bombard his work place with vicious defamatory accusations?
2) You are on holiday in Magaluf and realise that the newly-arrived couple in the room across the hall are from Dundee. Do you:
a) Introduce yourself and offer to show them around
b) Ignore them, you hate Dundonians. Especially that big-haired moron Jim Spence.
c) Play Tina all night at full volume and shit on their sun lounger every morning. They no doubt wrote to that Rangers-hater Thomson telling him he'd better not let Rangers into the SPL, the Timmy-loving arseholes?
3) In the dentist's waiting room you see someone reading the Daily Rhebel, who's grinning at their latest anti-Rangers, agenda-driven headline. Do you:
a) Try to sneak a look at the racing results over his shoulder
b) Get your lighter and set fire to it then phone your two mates Billy and Sammy to come down and knock seven bells out of him as he leaves after his treatment?
c) Ask him what the bitter, Rangers-hating bigot Jackson has written today?
4) A Taig at work tells you Charles Green is fleecing the Rangers support and will cut and run leaving the club heavily in debt. Do you:
a) Make a formal complaint to the boss, accusing him of sectarian bigotry in the workplace
b) Tell him you have your suspicions about Green too
c) Nothing. He's just a hate-filled, bitter, anti-Rangers, Rangers-hating bigot who has no credibility on the issue?
5) You are at an away match at Elgin, making friends and having fun, when a banner is displayed by the yokels in the home support saying Rangers have no history. Do you:
a) Lose it big-style and join other irate Bears in righteously smashing up a local pub after the game then aggressively chant The Billy Boys at other passengers on the train home
b) Laugh along good-naturedly at the joke
c) Write a furious letter of complaint to the Elgin chairman and Charles Green demanding a grovelling apology?
6) A pub in town has a huge advert for the live screening of Celtic's Champions League last 16 match with Juventus. Do you:
a) Consider watching it - the Champions League is the pinnacle of the modern club game
b) Write a letter to the council informing them the pub has breached its licensing conditions by displaying sectarian messages outside
c) Put a brick through the window and put a post on FollowFollow telling all Bears to boycott the Republican slop-house
7) You read a post on Rangers Media claiming that Rangers' problems did not begin and end with Craig Whyte, but have their roots in two decades of mismanagement by Sir David Murray. Do you:
a) Engage in a lively and reasoned debate on the issue
b) You never read Rangers Media
c) Post the b*****d's real name and address, then put a brick through his window and poison his cat?
8) Watching a Rangers match on the big screen in your local pub, it goes on the blink 5 minutes in. Do you:
a) Rush along the road to another pub showing the match
b) Defecate on the carpet before smashing up the bar and attacking the staff with your mates
c) Wait patiently while the landlord tries to fix it?
9) At your niece's wedding, you notice one of the choices of starter is Eggs Benedict. Do you:
a) Consider whether you would prefer the Eggs Benedict, or the prawn cocktail
b) Demand to know who put Eggs Benedict on the menu - the guests have a right to know!
c) Drink ten pints, urinate on the dance floor, then start a fight with the Groom - the bitter, Rangers-hating, anti-Rangers bigot?
10) You are at the birthday party of your son's friend. As you stand around talking with like-minded Bears, you notice someone has given your son a green and white straw with his plastic cup of Coke. Do you:
a) Think nothing of it, it's only a straw
b) Grab your son and drag him out, angrily telling him to have nothing more to do with the little Timmy b*****d
c) Join the like-minded Bears in smashing up the house before reporting the wee boy's parents to their employers for their sickening sectarian provocation
Now simply add up your scores as follows:
1) a-2, b-1, c-0
2) a-2, b-1, c-0
3) a-2, b-0, c-1
4) a-0, b-2, c-1
5) a-0, b-2, c-1
6) a-2, b-1, c-0
7) a-1, b-2, c-0
8) a-1, b-0, c-2
9) a-2, b-1, c-0
10) a-2, b-1, c-0
Now for the result:
0-1 - You do not have an anti-Rangers bone in your body. You are a staunch, stalwart True-Blue and can hold your head up high in any company. You don't take any Timmy nonsense from anyone ad can always be relied upon to defend the honour of the Rangers against all-comers. The Gallant Pioneers would be proud of you.
2-4 - You claim to be a Rangers fan, but you are what David Leggat calls "the enemy within." You are a sickening appeaser and need to take a long, hard look at yourself. The anti-Rangers forces are massing (and I use that word advisedly) against the club and people like you will be the first to be dealt with when the club regains its rightful position of superiority.
5-20 - You are a sickening, hate-filled, Rangers-hating bigot. Your sinister cabal of Opus Dei familiars are the enemies of Rangers. I demand to know your name. The Rangers fans deserve to know who you are!
Well, thanks for taking the test. Feel free to share your results in the comments section, but please be aware that all Rangers-haters' names will be sent to Chris Graham, Bill McMurdo, David Leggat and the vanguardbearloonytunes.
